Music is food for the soul

          Throughout this class, I have really enjoyed being able to listen to the songs that Benji talks about throughout the book. Whitehead is obviously an amazing author, and is able to convey so much of Ben's feelings as he's looking back on this summer, but also Benji's feelings as he's living that summer. However, it's really important that he provided specific songs that were important to Benji at that time because music can convey feelings and emotions that words can't, as well as a better sense of the time period that Benji is coming from. While Mr. Mitchell lived through the '80s, most of us in Coming-of-Age have only experienced it through our parents telling us stories and insisting on making us listen to the music that was popular "back in their day." I'd heard a few of the songs that Benji talks about in the book, but my dad came from a very different place than Benji (he went to Urbana High School, and it's not too hard to guess that he's white). So while my dad played for me a lot of New Wave, which Benji also becomes interested in later on in the novel, I never got to hear any of the hip hop which was also an extremely important genre of music in the '80s, and one that was also making it's debut. From my dad, I heard a lot of B-52's, The Bangles, The Cars, The Pretenders, The Go-Go's, The Clash-- the list goes on. I actually exclusively listened to '80s music when I was little, then discovered mainstream pop in middle school, But, in high school I stopped complaining whenever my dad wanted to play the '80s station. While what my dad introduced me to is all great, I really liked Roxanne Roxanne and the story of the whole "battle" that ensued after it was released.
          I think we can all see where Benji is coming from with how much he likes listening to music. Music can define your life. If you hear a song, and how you're feeling, or have felt, in your life relates to the lyrics or even just the aesthetic, it fortifies whatever you're feeling. If you're really really happy and you hear a great song that embodies your happiness, it's like you're about to burst and you just want to sing along at the top of your lungs. I've encountered this while driving and it's kind of a problem as it is very distracting from the road. If you're feeling sad about something (anything) and you hear a song about the same situation you're going though, it makes you feel like you have an ally. Like that artist wrote the song specifically for you because they get you. Music is an integral part of Sag Harbor just as it is an integral part of our lives.

Memories

          Sag Harbor has reminded me to some degree of some of my childhood experiences. Up until a couple years ago, my family and I had a lake house on Lake Sara, near Effingham, IL. My grandparents were really the ones who owed it, but the entire family used it. We'd have the whole family down sometimes, and just parts of it other times. We also invited a lot of family friends to come down. There was a boat my grandpa, dad or uncle would take us out in, which we used to waterski and go tubing. We always tried to find interesting animals to keep as temporary pets-- frogs, toads, turtles, you name it. And, of course, our dog would accompany us.
          Obviously, Sag Harbor and Lake Sara are very different places, and my experience with my lakehouse is very different from the experience that Benji had with his beach house. But, I still somehow drew a connection and it got me thinking about the different perspective you have when you're looking back on experiences. Ben doesn't seem to be reminiscing necessarily when he's telling us about his past. He may seem somewhat nostalgic about Sag Harbor itself, but he recalls actions and events with almost a sense of bafflement-- he can't really explain why he did some things he did, he's just telling it like it happened. This, of course, differs greatly from Benji. When he's living through this summer in Sag Harbor, he's very wrapped up in what's going on and it's a critical period of time for him as we see him start to grow up.
          Almost in reverse of Benji, there was a period in my childhood when I started to dread going to Lake Sara. The house was getting older, and had some mildew problems since it was on a lake. I think part of this was that I was slightly older, so I was "too cool" for family activities and didn't enjoy the same things I did as a younger child. Now, being 18, I look back on all those memories with almost an idyllic fondness. I remember that I did, at one point, dislike Lake Sara for one reason or another, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about the days when we had the house as being some sort of "golden age" in my life. A lot of this probably comes from knowing what happens next. Knowing that my grandpa will pass away and that the house will fall into such disrepair that we'll have to sell it to someone who's going to tear it down, knowing that my childhood will be ending before I know it and that growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be, etc.
          It's just interesting to see the comparison-- how Benji was very into the beach house thing while he was living it, but then looked back on those times with confusion and bafflement, while I didn't enjoy the lake house at the time but now wish I could go back and relive those memories.

I'm the only one who can be mean to you

          Sibling relationships have played a large role in several of the books we've read so far this semester. I think the reason for this is that they play a large role in real life coming of age as well. You're around your siblings all the time, and they influence how you grow up and who you grow into-- whether you're trying to be like them, or trying to be as unlike them as possible.
          Black Swan Green is no exception, as it showcases Jason's relationship with his sister Julia. I definitely relate to Julia a lot and see a lot of myself in her. Not only do I relate to her specifically, but I can relate my relationship with my brother to hers with Jason. Jason is somewhat envious of his sister's privileges and abilities to speak up for herself, as well as respectful of her talents and skills. However, he gets mad at her. He knows when she's going to try to get him in trouble, etc. My brother too, gets frustrated with me for correcting him, getting him in trouble, and for being right. At the same time, he has affection for me and the few times I share things that are going on in my life with him, he seems to be very proud and impressed. I recently turned eighteen and he was very excited that "Juju is now an adult."
          I'll admit that I probably do pick on my brother more than I should, but much like Julia, I'm not as mean to him as I could be. I think all things considered, I'm pretty fair. When Julia gets mad at Jason for eavesdropping and stealing her music, she had the right to clobber him, to blackmail him, to do so many things that she didn't do. However, she just told him off and threatened him a little. As an older sister, I can vouch that while little brothers are super annoying, we still have affection for them deep down. This also connects with the "I can be mean to you but no one else can be" dynamic. Julia can tease Jason as much as she wants (which she doesn't really seem to do too much), but when Jason's mom brings up his poetry at dinner, she sticks up for him, knowing what he must be feeling. Siblings may not like each other, but they always love each other, even if they also hate each other.

Illusion of confidence

          In class the other day I made a comment that Hugo reminded me of Antonio from Despicable Me 2. I'd like to expand on this comparison and extend it to discussing not only Hugo's actions in general, but also Jason's interactions with him.
          Antonio is an antagonist, but fronts as a protagonist. He gets Margo to fall for him, and puts on this indifferent, bad-boy facade. He knows exactly how to manipulate her, similar to how Hugo knows how to manipulate everyone around him. An example of this is when he gets Jason to smoke a cigarette. He knows exactly what to say to get Jason to do it-- even after Jason has already said no. He says that Jason's stammer is probably due to his attitude of reserved attitude-- saying "not today." This hits the nail right on the dead from Jason's perspective. However, I completely disagree. Hugo is just being a little asshole for no good reason, but because he's so confident, everyone believes everything he says.
          Jason's problem isn't saying no. Jason's problem is his utter lack of self-confidence. All the "higher ranked" boys in his social sphere, and especially Hugo, have something in common; they have, or act like they have, confidence in their words and actions. This illusion of confidence gives them power over the other boys who are less confident. This being said, if Jason weren't so blinded by his crush on Hugo, and abandoned his qualms about speaking up, he'd strip Hugo down to the little prick he is for everyone else to see. In the garage, when they're playing darts and Hugo reduces his brother to tears, if Jason had confidently stood up to Hugo and put him down for putting down his brother, then he'd take away Hugo's illusion of coolness and make him look stupid. This also goes for when Hugo stole from the store, and when he got the high score on the arcade game and stole from one of the boys. Hugo isn't actually all that he's cracked up to be, he just makes himself seem that way because he asserts himself over everyone else.

Sister sister

            Throughout Housekeeping, and more so during later chapters, I saw a lot of similarities between Lucille and Ruth and their relationship, as well as that between me and my sister. Obviously Lucille and Ruth's interactions are a lot more exaggerated than my personal experiences, and our relationships aren't exactly the same as Lucille and Ruth are very complex characters, but I did find myself comparing my sister to Ruth and me to Lucille.

            Being the oldest, I'm definitely a little more independent from the rest of my family than my sister is. And, I'm a lot less reserved which means that I hold back less when it comes to speaking my mind if I don't agree with someone else. Lucille makes it very clear that she disapproves of a lot of Sylvie's ways of doing things. The most obvious illustration of her independence of from the family is that she takes the initiative and just leaves. This is, I think, both detrimental and positive for Ruth. It allows her to become herself more, without her very vocal sister overshadowing her. It's also never easy to lose such a close relationship when you don't know how to be on your own and you don't have a lot of other options to fall back on. When Lucille and Ruth are in the principal's office, and the principal is concerned about their "attitudes" for the new school year since they missed half of the previous year, Lucille does all the talking for Ruth, as noted by the principal. However, it seems like she's not just putting words in Ruth's mouth. She's actually expressing what Ruth would want to say. I think Ruth doesn't want to have to formulate her thoughts and convey them to the principal so she appreciates having Lucille there to do it.

            Once my sister and I were at a moving away party/sleepover for our friends who were sisters (I was friends with the older sister, Laura with the younger, and they were having a joint party). A girl at the party was making fun of my sister in some way that I don't remember, but I stepped in and yelled at her and made her back the fuck off and feel really bad (she was a bully in general). Laura probably would've wanted to say something similar, probably in a less aggressive manner, but was too timid. She was extremely grateful that I did that and still looks up to me for it. The only reason I know the story is because she still brings it up-- I have no recollection of it actually happening.

            I could talk about Laura and I vs. Ruthie and Lucille for a very long time, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but I wanted to jot down some thoughts that seemed interesting. 

Mothers

          During the summer while Esther is living at home/at the asylum, she has a strong hatred of her mother and is unable to stand being around her. While there are many reasons that Esther's mother makes her uncomfortable, and we can't really categorize this dislike as "irrational," I too experience an irrational dislike of my mother from time to time. Now, of course my annoyances aren't really comparable to Esther's, because we are in completely different situations and we are on completely different levels. 

          Esther's mother does not understand the concept of mental illness whatsoever. She thinks Esther can just "choose" to get better and doesn't understand that there are actual chemical imbalances inside the brain and Esther cannot control how she's feeling. This is one example of a compilation of things that makes Esther fed up with her mother. 

          Something I could relate to Esther with was when she got mad about her mom getting her flowers. It's her birthday, her mom brings her flowers, Esther is very skeptical, and her mother reminds her that they're it's her birthday and Esther is kind of furious. Of course it is a nice gesture on her mother's part, with good intentions, but someone trying to be nice to you when you don't want them to be and you're already upset with them can be pretty annoying. 

          The other day, I came home to my mom cleaning my room after an extremely rough week. I was very annoyed. She hadn't given me any warning or anything, and I didn't want my room cleaned by her. I was pretty rude and passive aggressive about it, and later my sister told me how sad I'd made my mom so I talked to her about it. She thought that cleaning my room would help to alleviate some of my stress, which was really nice of her, but I just really didn't want her trying to do anything for me. 

"boys will be boys"

          It seems like ages ago that we discussed this scene in The Bell Jar, but it was one that definitely stuck in my mind. 

          The scene to which I'm referring is the one where Doreen takes Esther to a party and Esther leaves her there. When first reading this, it honestly made me angry. I was very worried for Doreen. If you go somewhere with your friend that has a possibility of being unsafe, and she literally tells you to watch her back, you cannot leave her in a possibly dangerous situation no matter how uncomfortable you are, no matter what she has done or how irresponsible she has been. You're allowed to be angry, or upset, or whatever, but you can't just leave her vulnerable to something bad happening. You don't have to be an experienced party-goer to figure this out. Even though Esther is very naive, it only takes someone of a basic intelligence level to figure out that you can't leave your friend. 

          I think part of the reason I reacted so strongly to this was because of my own personal experiences, as well as the high level of education I've had about these types of situations. However after having finished the book and gotten more context for Esther's situation, reflecting back on the scene I have a little more sympathy for her. While I still don't agree with her lack of consideration for Doreen, I understand that depression, even beginning stages of it, doesn't leave you in a place to be super sympathetic to others, and you have no control over it. Also, people in the '50s were not educated about safety or situations with potential for sexual harassment or any other kind of danger. There wasn't a huge awareness of it, and in a male-dominated society there was a lot of victim blaming. Most people, including some women, had a very strong "boys will be boys" mindset. This, combined with Esther's additional naivete, provides a lot of reason for her not to realize how grave the situation could become for Doreen.